More Pagan Humor


The Field Guide to Neopaganism
(This is classic so I decided to keep it.)



1. Bright-Eyed Novice
You just read this cool book about a religion where there's a _Goddess_ and a God, and they meet outside
in nature, instead of some scary old building. They think sex is GOOD not evil, and you want to know where
to sign up.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is Deosil
and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with "A-frame".)

2. Grand Old Wo/Man
Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time they dropped acid with Kerry
Wendell Thornley - or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or
was it three people with one name?

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about people you've only
read about.

3. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite
Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes. Simultaneously believes in universal love for
humanity AND returning the planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the
shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in great detail.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no
eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very tolerant.

4. Anal Retentive Ceremonial
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does
"workings" instead of "rituals". All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are all in Enchain.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which direction is east.
Dresses according to planetary conditions, or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart.

5. Womyncentric Gynocrat
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying it. She'll have no wands in her
chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the magical properties
of menstrual blood.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a penis, are a favored symbol
and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops
talking.

6. Sexy Pagan Nymph
Oh, they're so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh and you can actually carry on a conversation with
them between orgasms...pant drool...

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry to you under a
full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of them.

7. Corporate Closet Witch
"Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal day..."
Has an entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with spells for purifying the workplace. Doesn't
mind working on Christmas, especially if there's overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at work since
being canned by that born-again boss, but still refuses to say "Merry Christmas."

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly
glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive style of dress, no
conspicuous tattoos.

8. Childe Of Chaos
Can name seventeen industrial Goth bands without pausing to think. Knows what a Prince Albert is.
Personally feels that if no panicky headlines appear the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up. Painted
on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly displayed, as jewelry is an emblem which resembles a
combination of corporate logo and arcane symbol. If you don't know what it means, they'll think you're a
Dweeb.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike messenger, difficult to visualize
as a school teacher or research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV news anchor or bank officer.
Always wears black leather, even when sleeping.

9. Pagan Celebrity
At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key for elevator access. Lurks around knots of
conversation eavesdropping in order to see if their name is being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter especially
for rituals. Starts every sentence with "I". If you ask them how it's going, they hand you a press release.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Always has plenty of books to autograph and will personally sell them to you at a
slight discount from cover price. Never seen unaccompanied by beefy Amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed
hangers-on.
Seems vaguely afraid of anyone they don't already know.

10. Scary Devil Worshipper
Would _never_ been caught dead sky clad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide, knowing way that insinuates
you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read _The Bell
Curve_ with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly, but they want you to
think they're capable of vast destruction.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black eyeliner. At
least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person. If you see several of them getting tanked in a bar,
it would be wise to stay far away.

11. Crowley-In-A-Past-Life
Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with several variants along the lines of Gerald
Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebody who was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted by
aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane symbolism that they will tell you all about, in
_great_ detail.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling with various
psychiatric medications, and the garments that were clearly designed and tailored on another planet.

12. Raving' Pagan
Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to do boring Euro centric rituals and prefers
deities from sunny climes with lots of interesting local plants. Can say "Ayahuasca" ten times real fast and
deliver long quotes from Terrence McKenna.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Dresses in color combinations that hurt the eyes unless you've taken ecstasy.
Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never goes anywhere without ritual drum.

13. Fairie Queen
Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a couple or are all four of them a quadruple?
If getting answers to these questions could disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other hand, these kinds of
questions seem overly judgmental, you might have a real good time...

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: When you look at this person, does every sex act you've ever experienced in your
life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations -- you've found a Fairie!

14. High Episcopagan
Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager, and an orchestra with chorus and last at
least three hours? It's a High Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and pages of Old English, have more
ritual garbs than most people have socks, and consider their main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner,
Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of "Carmina Burana"
Don't ask them about that 18th century seed pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you've got an hour to spare.

15. Fundament pagan
If it's in a book, it must be true. If it's in an old book, it must _really_ be true. If it's in an old book that was
handed down from an oral tradition of people who couldn't read, then it must _really_ be _way_ true.
Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical
assistance. Believes that anyone who lives in a city, eats meat or has a regular job dare not call himself or
herself a pagan.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old "Crowley ghosted Gardner's
books" argument. Goes around correcting everyone's Gaelic/old norse/latin/babylonian.

16. Dances With Bunny rabbits
Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings. Charter member of PETA. Thinks meat
eaters should be publicly executed. Have many, many, many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally owns 927
models, pictures, and other depictions of their spirit animal.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Not counting the pagan his/herself, how many animals can you see when looking
at them? If the count surpasses five (including critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments and undies),
you've found a worshipper of beasties.

17. Priest/ess of Political Correctness
Analyzes everything they read or hear for sexist-racist-homophobic-imperialist-Euro centric content without
paying attention to what is actually being said. Believes in personal liberty -- everyone has the right to be
overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just the Xtian Right. Incredibly boring yet annoyingly
self-righteous all at the same time.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in motion, waiting for someone to do
or say something _bad_. Has loud and attention attracting hissy fit when confronted with everyday things
such as advertising or corporate franchises. Rudimentary sense of humor is rarely activated.

18. Our Lady Of Intense Suffering
Is constantly persecuted. You're probably persecuting her right now, you just don't realize it. Became a
Pagan because she decided it was the most persecuted religion of all. Can't enjoy anything because it
would be selfish to have any fun when so many are suffering.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor than #17. Bristles when anyone
says the words "masochist" or "whining".

19. I Am Not Spock (at the moment)
Knows at least three films about Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek jokes. Has found a clever way to create
simple furniture from stacks of science fiction paperbacks. Can name ninety different kinds of space ship.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with parents. Many cryptic buttons,
badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for their own good.

20. Het-Case
Insist that they aren't homophobic; they just believe that Paganism is about a goddess and a god and they
do it and what could be more obvious than that? It just doesn't "work right" if you try any other way! Are
secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetro bones.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Living spaces abound with depictions of satyrs with enormous genitals and
huge-breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Long manicured nails and wreaths of flowers (on females _only_--
men have big, bushy beards instead.)

21. Norse Code
Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival organizers and park rangers due to their
fondness for running around with a huge battle-ax in one hand and a full mead horn in the other. They
throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp, you're expressly not invited.

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes, with many
pounds of amber dangling from their necks.

22. Pentacles, Inc
Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't buying my hand forged Venus of
Willendorf necklaces -- they come in silver and gold, and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly
button. Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa or MasterCard?

DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams. You never have seen
so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life. and our cupped hand as our Cauldron
or Chalice. Though it would not be advisable to burn any thing in our "portable" cauldron.



Back to Articles